Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize
