I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
