Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
