She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
