WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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