I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
