You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
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