Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
ugly people sure do ruin things
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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