DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
