I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I lost the right to judge tonight
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
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