I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I think I sprained my soul last night
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.