Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
She told me I should be a condom model.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Randomize
