so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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