First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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