When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
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