I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
