Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
