i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
