Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
