I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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