I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
