oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
