There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
