Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
