oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
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Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
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Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
You've changed since you got that strap on
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