I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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