dude i'm inner monologue high
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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