Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
