I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
