if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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