Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Randomize
