every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
