I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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