okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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