I've come to the conclusion that as a grad student I would much rather prefer to get laid then get drunk
I think you know full well that a few years ago my stance was the polar opposite
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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