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I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
