Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
