I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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