I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
