She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
