One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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