she looked like the bat from fern gully.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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