Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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