I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I have post one night stand depression
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