so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
