I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
