I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
