I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
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I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
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casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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