Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
