i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
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You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
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