I'm gonna have a badass scar
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
