I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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