I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
