i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Randomize
