It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
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He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
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I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
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