My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
